Drivers Ed

Recently it has been alarmingly apparent that I am surrounded by drivers of very little to no skill.  You know what who I’m referring to, unless I’m referring to you … sadly, most incompetent drivers are painfully oblivious to the fact that they should not only have their license revoked, but they should also be punished for their crime of irritation!

I’d also like to be sure that I’m clear that I have been known to have a bit of road rage.  I prefer to call it “decent driver education”.  One of my many services I provide.

Ok, so, here is an exhaustive list my pet peeves:

As of late, my most common encounter is the lovely “I actually think I’m in a parade so no reason to drive above 25 mph in a 35 mph zone”.  So as I seethe in my driver’s seat and verbally assault them, I’ll roll down my window and actually do my best princess wave.  Someday I’ll purchase a sash and tiara to make the whole charade believable.  To the best of my knowledge no one has caught on yet because if they did so I’d like to think they’d catch the hint and give me the greatest gift known to mankind and DO THE SPEED LIMIT! 

Being cut off is also on my list.  Not being cut off because someone’s in a high speed chase with the police due to trying to flee from a bank robbery (because that I could sympathize with), but because they’re mentally incapable of paying attention to their surroundings.  As per my previous confession of “decent driver educator” I’d like to give you an example of my early years of educating the masses.  This could be the instance where I got my official credentials.  I was approaching the Tacoma Narrows Bridge (the summer before my Senior year of High School and I was working at a Christian Horse Camp), when a man cut me off ... exceedingly cut me off, he didn't see me at all because he wasn't ... drumroll ... paying attention!  Sadly for him, the traffic almost immediately came to a standstill directly following his not so strategic driving maneuver.  Without delay I jumped out of my car after slamming on my emergency brake (knowing that traffic was not moving as far as I could see in front of me), and walked right up to his window and beat on his window instructed him to get off his phone (there might have been a few ‘not so Christian horse camp’ words spewed at him, but the frenzy was so intense some of it has escaped my memory, I doubt it's escaped him).  There are those drivers who are capable of multi-tasking and clearly, he was not a contender in a multi-tasking speical olympics.  After verbally abusing him, I returned to my vehicle and thought my favorite thought … my mother would be proudish.  HA!  Obviously, to him and so many others, paying attention is of great importance when operating heavy machinery.  I was fortunate that he was so shocked by the 5 foot 2 inch 110 lb teenager in his window that he just stood there and stared at me rather than the alternative of shooting me.  It was Tacoma, WA after all.  The root to this sort of evil is the incapable multi-tasker.  If you can't text/talk and drive then for the love of all that is holy, DONT!

On the flip side of that, when an error is made if someone waves and gives the appropriate apology and proper acknowledgment of their error the educator in me is calmed and can have sympathy for the error.  It’s when there’s no understanding or realization of the offense when the wild Indian in me comes out wielding a tomahawk and ready to do some scalpin!

One error in judgment that is UNACCEPTABLE is seen in the photo below:

I see two types of people in this picture.  1) a narcissistic ass who sees nothing but themselves.  This driver is also in the previous pet peeve as well; they see no one else by themselves and don’t really care to.  In my opinion this is the worst driver and lowest form of human being in general.  Sadly, they do live among us.  2) a blind person who let their seeing eye dog drive them.  I like #2 better.

How about those who don’t use their blinker and expect you to read their mind?  Unfortunately I’m not a psychic, but generally I’ll be able to tolerate those a bit better as I can insult them as I drive in a different direction.

Let’s move back to the freeway.  Now, growing up in the Seattle area I’ve seen my fair share of traffic and can usually weave in and out with all the accuracy of a Hollywood stunt driver.  However, let’s again think about the simple rules of the freeway.  What is the far right lane for?  That’s right, for merging onto and off of the freeway.  What’s the center lane(s) for?  Oh yeah, that’s the traveling lane.  What is the far left lane reserved for?  Holy Smokes, it’s the PASSING LANE!  Let me repeat this in case there are a few less informed out there reading this.  THE PASSING LANE!  Not hanging out drinking your sugar free, extra foam soy gingerbread latte while talking to your BFF Rose on your hands free, it’s for PASSING!  This requires ACTION, not just driving forward at the same speed as the 1953 Chevy next to you … they are not your friend PASS THEM!  THEN, after you’ve passed them you get out of the passing lane, as you are FINISHED PASSING!  Then you move to your right to TRAVEL … remember, that’s what the middles lanes are for.  Any questions?

Now, onto a little shred of fun:

Lastly, how many people have a GPS?  Ok, if you don’t then welcome to the 21^st century, get one and name him/her.  We have two, Claire and Alice (yes, from Twilight, duh, she knows everything).  Our GPS’s are sweet and so extremely patient.   Basically the opposite of my personality … infact sometimes I wonder if my husband wishes he married Claire?  So since my GPS is showing me up as a wife I Figured I could invent one that insults you when you go the wrong direction.  That way my husband felt like I was in the car when he was away on business.  I know what you’re thinking … ‘that Sue is BRILLIANT’ followed by a ‘where do I get one?’

So I ask … what insult would you add to the offensive GPS and what would you name him/her??  Additionally, what’s your biggest driving pet peeve.